I am often asked why I seem so angry, why I am so militantly counter-revolutionary, why I am so radical and extreme, and why my zeal often seems to border on a kind of hatred.
In this essay, I will attempt not only to answer that question, but hopefully to show why it is the only reasonable Catholic reaction. At the outset, I also want to state for the record that this reaction does not exclude praying for your enemies, seeking their conversion, and following the other instructions we have been given by Christ, but rather complements them. Sometimes, the same people who want to shout “pray for your enemies” seem to forget that God also said friendship with the world makes you His enemy; that Christ drove the money changers out of the temple with a whip; that David said the Lord prepares his hands for war; and that God instructed the Israelites, rightly, to commit genocide.
But in order to explain my present position and disposition, I will once again have to revisit my past.
My own story, and how Christ came looking for me, is a book that still needs to be written. Needless to say, that is not the purpose of this essay, nor do we have the space for it here, but I will do my best to connect the dots as they pertain to my answer.
At a very young age, I abandoned all safety in what I poorly articulated as a search for experience and truth, heavily influenced by counterculture, fringe movements, and avant-garde literature, music, and art. I wrongly assumed that such a journey had to be premised on a rejection of all that I was told was true, good, and beautiful, especially the Christian God.
What ensued was the exact opposite of what I had endeavoured to do. My quest became a descent into self-destruction, darkness and diabolical debauchery, which very quickly progressed from not only destroying my physical existence, but placing me on what seemed to be an irreversible collision course with hell.
By the time I was 22, I was addicted to heroin and other hard drugs, as well as alcohol. I played in punk rock bands, dabbled in everything from the occult and New Age spirituality to Zen Buddhism and anarchist politics. I destroyed relationships, my career, and every opportunity that came my way. I clashed with the law and spent so much time in institutions and rehabs that I literally lost count.
Fast forward a few decades. I was so hopelessly addicted that I could not get out of bed without “fixing” and having a drink, just to be normal enough to go and score more drugs. Once again, I was arrested, and this time I faced potentially serious legal consequences. I was a shell of a human being, my soul sucked empty by Satan. I was dying physically and spiritually, and I was in eternal mortal danger. But no closer to the truth.
And then, in that jail cell, I had a miraculous encounter with Jesus Christ. One that, again, demands its own essay, but we do not have the time or space here. All I will say is that, in a very crude and elementary way, I started “following Christ.” I wanted to know Him, really know Him. Although I was a D.I.Y. Christian, I noticed that Catholic books started appearing on my reading list: a book on a saint here, a mystical one there, until one day I decided to pick up a book that explained the Catholic faith, albeit in a very “pop” fashion.
Even that poor explanation blew my mind. As I have said before, I realized that if the claims in that book were true, I had no choice but to become Catholic, because it was clear to me that Catholicism was Christianity. And so my journey began.
I knew no Catholics, but I devoured every Catholic book I could lay my hands on and watched every video I could access. I also investigated every doctrinal and dogmatic claim and, in short, became completely convinced that Catholicism was the One True Faith, and that the Catholic Church was the vehicle Christ created for it.
I found the Pearl of Great Price. I found Jesus Christ and His Church. I finally found the truth I had been searching for all along, and I realized in hindsight that my life of hell and darkness had been nothing but a search for God, for Christ, and for the monolithic truth of Catholicism.
That is the short version, and what I needed to lay out as background. Now we can get to answering the question.
I literally started the final leg of my journey into the Catholic Church by picking up the phone and calling listed parish numbers. I bluntly asked one employee: “How do I become Catholic?”
This lady and her husband would later become dear friends, as her husband also turned out to be my RCIA facilitator, or whatever the Novus Ordites call it now.
I was elated to enter RCIA and learn more. Christ and Catholicism were the missing pieces in the puzzle of my existence. I was finally at peace, but not for long.
I noticed very quickly that the Catholicism of the saints, doctors, mystics, and great popes I had read about was not what I encountered. The liturgy differed only slightly from the sodomite-priest-led Anglican liturgy I had attended for a short while, and the congregation did not act or look much different from the people I saw in non-denominational churches. The music was mostly the same as in Protestant churches, but usually of even poorer quality. Homilies were watered down, and the churches themselves only vaguely looked Catholic.
But, naively, I assumed that the priest and parishioners surely were zealously Catholic “on the inside”. And after all, I finally had access to the Sacraments.
The Catholic faith is vastly, and I would say inexhaustibly, rich, and I never stopped studying, learning, and asking questions. Due to this, as is the case with so many others, the stark reality started dawning on me.
What I was experiencing, hearing, and seeing modeled, from congregations and priests to the hierarchy in Rome, was not Catholicism, but something else. And as time went on, I learned that this “something else” was destructively dark, heretical, and diabolical.
Not only that, but it did also not take me long to realize that this was the greatest bait-and-switch con in the history of the world. Somehow, the Enemy of Christ had managed to infiltrate the structures of the Church, replace the hierarchy with his minions, and teach a religion in opposition to Catholicism, all the while convincing the sleeping masses that it was indeed the Catholic Church and the Catholic religion.
And so my perfect hatred started to fester.
But let me explain what I mean by this phrase, and by the title of this essay, by means of Scripture and commentary on that Scripture from the Church Fathers, Doctors of the Church, and saints.
In Psalm 138:21–22 in the Douay-Rheims, and Psalm 139 in other translations, we find the Psalmist writing the following words:
“Have I not hated them, O Lord, that hated thee: and pine away because of thy enemies? I have hated them with a perfect hatred: and they are become enemies to me…”
At first glance, this language appears difficult to reconcile with the Christian command to love one’s enemies. For this reason, the Church Fathers and later Doctors of the Church consistently interpret the passage not as an endorsement of personal vengeance or sinful animosity, but as an expression of zeal for God, hatred of sin, and complete opposition to evil.
St. Augustine of Hippo makes an important distinction between hatred of persons and hatred of iniquity. In his Expositions on the Psalms, he explains that the “perfect hatred” of the Psalmist is not directed against human beings as creatures of God, but against the wickedness that separates them from God. True righteousness, for Augustine, consists in loving what God loves and hating what God hates. Thus, the Christian may reject evil and oppose sin while still maintaining charity toward the sinner.
Similarly, St. John Chrysostom understands the passage as expressing zeal for the honor of God rather than personal resentment. The Psalmist’s hatred is a refusal to compromise with evil, particularly when that evil sets itself against God. Chrysostom sees this not as emotional hostility, but as moral clarity and spiritual fidelity, a soul aligned with divine justice rather than personal revenge.
Among the medieval Doctors, St. Thomas Aquinas provides one of the clearest theological explanations. In the Summa Theologiae, he teaches that it is lawful, and indeed necessary, to hate evil, but never lawful to hate a person as such. He interprets the Psalm’s “perfect hatred” as hatred directed entirely at sin itself, free from disordered passion or malice. Such hatred is not contrary to charity; rather, it belongs to charity, since true love of God necessarily includes opposition to whatever opposes God.
St. Gregory the Great extends this interpretation inward by reading the enemies of the Psalm spiritually as the vices within one’s own soul. The passage therefore becomes not merely a statement about external enemies, but a call to interior purification and a firm rejection of one’s own sinful tendencies. In this sense, “perfect hatred” is the soul’s refusal to tolerate sin within itself.
Likewise, St. Bernard of Clairvaux connects this “perfect hatred” with perfect love. The more deeply a person loves God, the more firmly he rejects whatever is opposed to Him. Such hatred is “perfect” precisely because it is rightly ordered: it is free from ego, bitterness, and vengeance, and arises solely from love of God and love of righteousness.
Thus the Fathers and Doctors present a consistent interpretation of Psalm 138:21–22. The Psalm does not justify personal hatred or hostility toward other people, which would contradict the Gospel command of charity. Rather, it expresses total allegiance to God, moral clarity in the face of evil, and the soul’s firm opposition to sin. “Perfect hatred” is therefore best understood not as sinful hatred of persons, but as a rightly ordered rejection of all that opposes God, whether in the world or within oneself.
Now that we have clarified that, here is the deal.
Put yourself in my shoes. Imagine for a moment that you were physically dying, and your soul was on its way to eternal damnation. Imagine total darkness within, and the outer darkness and flames creeping closer every second. Imagine your fear and anguish.
Now imagine that you are thrown a lifeline. Not just any lifeline. The Lifeline. The emancipating Truth. Imagine you meet the One who radiates Love and tells you that you do not have to pay your debt, because He already has. Imagine being presented with the perfect system through which you can worship Him and have friendship with Him, after you have been wallowing in filth and sin for more than half your life.
Great joy, hey? Jubilance. Hope. A treasure you want to protect with your life.
Now imagine that you find out they have switched this great jewel with a fake. Not only a fake, but something that is as dangerous to your soul, if not more dangerous, than the trajectory you used to be on. Imagine you discover that the very men who were entrusted with the great privilege of being the keepers and protectors of this treasure have defected from their mission.
Not only have they defected, but for decades they have proactively labored for the enemy, all the while pretending that it is still the Pearl of Great Price.
Do you understand my perfect hatred now?
When I found out every post-conciliar pope promoted ecumenism and religious plurality to some greater or lesser degree, my perfect hatred festered…
When I discovered that some of these very popes, their cardinals, bishops, and priests were involved in pagan worship and idolatry in some shape or form, my perfect hatred festered…
When I realized they had “changed the truth of God into a lie” and were teaching heresy in their parishes, Church documents, and new liturgy, my perfect hatred festered…
When they stopped condemning LGBTQ sin, abortion, and false religion, my perfect hatred festered…
When I realized they promoted universalism and denied the uniqueness of Jesus Christ as the only way to salvation, my perfect hatred festered…
When I saw the disregard and sacrilegious pride with which my Lord, under the veil of the Eucharist, was received, and how this practice was enforced by the very men who were supposed to teach reverence, my perfect hatred festered…
When I discovered they replaced the majestic, beautiful, and true Mass with a Judeo-Masonic quasi-Protestant imitation that expressed a new false religion, my perfect hatred festered…
When I saw our children being brainwashed by this false religion, and turned against their parents and elders who wanted to practice the faith Christ left us in the Church He founded, my perfect hatred festered…
When the smug, child-molesting, homo-clerical hierarchy covered up each other’s crimes and demonized the victims, my perfect hatred festered…
When I saw a young father on Sunday having to listen to a “homily” about water scarcity, only to lose his life in a car accident on Wednesday, and wondered where he was spending eternity, my perfect hatred festered…
When I witnessed, week after week, thousands of vacant-eyed zombie faithful attending Mass merely to tick some box, while continuing to live like devils, not knowing or caring that they were destined for a terribly tragic end, and not being corrected by their “shepherds”, my perfect hatred festered…
When I tried to convince friends and family of the beauty and truth of Catholicism, only to be told that if “your Francis” or “your Leo” were its best examples, then “we weren’t interested,” my perfect hatred festered…
When they perverted the dogma of “no salvation outside the Catholic Church” to the point that they even instructed the faithful not to proselytize, my perfect hatred festered…
When, day after day, week after week, year after year, a new scandal erupted in Rome, a new falsehood was taught by the vipers parading as Catholic prelates and clergy, and more souls were led over the cliff of no return, my perfect hatred festered…
Until it became a tsunami of zeal. For Christ. For Catholicism. For the Catholic Church.
It became my call to join the army of Christ and His Blessed Mother, to war against these enemies of Christ in order to save souls, and to help rebuild Christendom and the Catholic Church.
See, those who are forgiven much love much.
Christ told us to convert sinners and proclaim the truth. He told us to warn others. He told us we are soldiers. He told us this is a war. He told us He brings a sword. He told us He brings division, even in homes.
Yes, He also told us to pray for our enemies, but not that it should stop there, because love without truth is sentimentality, mercy without justice is cowardice, and charity without zeal is surrender.
I do not “hate” because I lack love but because I love Christ, His Church, the souls being led to slaughter, and the truth too much to watch it be strangled in silence. And if my love must look like war, then so be it. Because when I stood at the gates of hell, Christ came for me, He entered the darkness and broke my chains, and gave me His Church and Truth.
When we finally stand before Him at the end, I doubt we will be asked why we fought too hard, but rather why we didn’t fight even harder, or not at all.